So my parents brought up an interesting point today…
Try as I might, I’ve been “kicked out” of the high school crowd. They go to movies together, they go to concerts, they celebrate their last day… and I’m not invited to any of it.
This shouldn’t surprise me. However, for some reason, it does.
I mean, I’ve been gone for two years. I do keep in touch with many of these people (and some of my closest friends are from the class of ’06), but there’s just something different.

Meh, so big deal. When I went to visit school, I heard a lot of people tell me that I’ve grown up… that I look and act more older… more mature. Actually, there’s a part of me that can see that too. But dammit, I don’t want that. I still want to fit in to the crowd that I spent 2 years of my life with (wow, was it that short?).

So why does it bother me? Social groups change all the time. I no longer belong to the high school group. Technically, I should have been out of it from when I graduated. But I resisted. The year after I graduated, I must have visited the school something like 8 or 9 times. I would have loved to sit in on classes. I wanted to spend as much time there as possible. I went to the annual year-end party. I was still able to walk into any classroom and be recognised by most if not all the students there. And you know what? That was important to me… and for some reason, it still is.

So I guess I just feel really left out. I’ve visited three times this past school year. This past one, in particular, was especially unenjoyable. I don’t know everyone anymore… There are now 2 years of students that I never met, never knew, but it feels like much more. Even the school itself… its spirit is gone… the sense of community is gone. There is no longer “The Academy,” there are just “The McClintock students who happen to congregate together sometimes.” It’s become another clique in a school that sure as hell doesn’t need more cliques.

There are inside jokes I don’t get, faces I don’t know and don’t get introduced to… I’m truly an outsider now.
And it really shouldn’t bother me, but it does.
Am I really so childish that I want to cling desperately to the last threads of my youth? Am I really so selfish that I’m unwilling to give that up? Am I really so immature that I’d do whatever it took to be accepted again? To feel like a part of it again?
And the weird thing is, I don’t regret graduating early and leaving everyone. But somehow, I feel like I should still be able to be a part of the group after I’m gone. Pretty stupid of me.

So as I grow closer to my college friends, I drift apart from high school ones. I’ve been home 5 days. I have seen exactly one person in a context other than a school visit. I have spent (what I would consider) quality time with only that one person. She wasn’t even from my high school; she was a friend I’ve had since before 4th grade.
I am only home for another ~2 weeks.
I don’t want to lose my high school friends. Many of them helped me through some of the worst times in my life last year, and continue to be there for me this year when needed. But I feel like I am. I feel unwanted, alienated.

This entry, like most of my rants, has no real point, so I will conclude it with something entirely unrelated-lyrics from That’s Where It Is (Carrie Underwood).

In the circles I’ve been running, I’ve covered many miles. I could search forever for what’s right before my eyes.
Just when I thought I’d found it, it was nothing like I’d planned. When I wrapped my heart around it, it slipped right through my hands.
Here with you I feel it. Close my eyes and see it.
In a midnight talk, in a morning kiss, when I’m in your arms that’s where it is.
When we’re tangled up and can’t resist, when we feel that rush that’s where it is.
That’s where it is.

Yeah, so grades are out. I got straight ‘A’s again. Meh, like Dan, I am giving you all permission to thwap me for gradeangsting.

This means I get a Mark pin. Yay! One more and I get a Klaus pin and my life will be complete.

Um… yeah, no more posting about LJ-drama-foo because meh.

I am so ready for summer to be over. There’s nothing to do, there’s no one around, I can’t find the motivation to do anything productive… Instead I just sleep all day and try and set up things with people and fail. At least when I have classes I have things to concentrate on and distract me and make me productive… and there are tons of people around who all need breaks from work too.
Bleh.
I miss friends.

Um… yeah.

Things to do over break (again):
-Outreach website
-Student Wars: Hijinks
-Student Wars: Booooth
I fail at being productive.

In response to Greg, Arizona has its own timezone, since we don’t do DST (check the Windows date and time settings… you’ll see an AZ timezone). It just happens that we’re synced with pacific right now.

Yeah so I’m home, I guess. Been bored as hell all day. There’s no one around… all the interesting people are either too busy for me or are in school since they graduate high school this year.

What have I done today… I woke up at around 10, had food, went back to sleep, had lunch, went back to sleep, just woke up again (around 2:30). How incredibly productive. Meh.

Fear the horror that is snakes walking to the sky. Blame Ian and Tim.

To-do list:
-Center for Outreach website
-Student Wars: Hijinks
-Student Wars: Booooth (tenative title)

How much you wanna bet I won’t even get half of that list done in the time I have here? :-P
I’m also thinking about hacking wordpress so it lets me have userpics (much like LJ) in every post. Wouldn’t be that hard to do, I think.

…
I want to go back to Pittsburgh and be with people. People make me happy.

Well, I arrived in Phoenix. It’s nice, now both ends of my bi-semesterly flight are furnished with free wireless, so I can surf the web in the airport at both ends. I think I win.

The flight arrived 40 minutes early. Waiting for parents because they probably won’t arrive for another 30 minutes. I love how Southwest is always early. Wheee. I don’t think any Southwest flight I’ve ever been on has been delayed… the opposite actually, all except one have arrived early (usually around 10-15 minutes early).

Um yeah, but in any case, I think it’s really weird how I don’t consider this home anymore. I dunno… I think I post this every semester when I go home, but still. I feel more like I’m going on vacation for a coupl eof months than going home… and I’ve spent far more of my life here than in Pittsburgh, so I don’t know why.
I just typed that entire last paragraph without looking at the keyboard or computer screen. Wheeee. And that sentence. I love touchtyping.

Um yeah, I’m just stalling for time until my parents arrive, I guess. the only thing that makes me sad is that AIM/MSN/etc can’t get connections in this airport… it’s a special network thing or something that you have to do stuff to to get it to work, and you can’t do that in a chat client, so meh. No big deal though.

Stall stall stall… um… I miss people already. Most of you didn’t give me goodbye hugs :( Oh well. I’ll see you all again next yea (and some of you this summer too).

I wonder if I should switch the journal date to AZ time or not… probably not, because I’m going back to Pittsburgh in a couple weeks anyway. Meh. People just subtract 3 hours from the timestamp times to get the time here.

Yeah okay this is stupid now. Battery’s almost drained anyway (this thing gets the most horrible battery life of any computer I’ve ever seen), so I should go and maybe pick up my baggage or something. Yar.