Life Continues

I’m super behind on pretty much everything, whether it’s my ever-growing list of TODOs at work, my (still) unprocessed Thailand photos (from February!), any attempt to make progress on any of my personal endeavors, keeping the house in some form resembling clean and tidy, or even just updating this blog/journal/whatever it is.

The world increasingly feels like it’s falling apart around me. Everywhere (including Pennsylvania) seems to have decided the pandemic is over by sheer force of will, and cases in the US are pretty much continuing to increase from their previous peak. Restaurants and bars and gyms are open again. Masks have bizarrely become a political issue. The police seem to be going on ever-increasing rampages with impunity. The federal government is increasingly incompetent (if that’s possible) at handling the crisis. State governments are unable or unwilling to fill that role anymore.

The easiest thing has been to hide away every night and do mindless things like watch YouTube videos (I recommend the Taskmaster series, which is hilarious, and was recommended to me by at least three separate friends) or participate in the (fortunately) large number of virtual game nights (including the work one, I have four recurring sessions a week now)… even Beat Saber feels like too much effort most days, now.

I can’t manage more than short bursts of actual brain-y time at work. It took me 2 hours to diagram out a basic OIDC flow (which I should know like the back of my hand) because I just couldn’t focus. Salesforce has been doing a great job at helping their employees through this mess, but my obligations to literally dozens of people still feels insurmountable at times. There’s an increased meeting load, which doesn’t help. Maybe that’s why I’m so behind on everything.

I cancelled my dentist appointment, because it felt too high risk to me. Maybe I shouldn’t have. Maybe the next chance won’t be for a year or more. Maybe I should start using mouthwash or something else to try and handle things myself until then. Maybe losing teeth is the tradeoff for being safe.

I’m increasingly worried with each passing week that I’ll get sick, despite all the precautions I can take, because there are enough other people that just don’t care anymore. I’m increasingly worried that I’ll have serious complications, as someone who is in the at-risk category with respiratory illnesses. And I don’t know what else I can do about it, other than ask others to bear the risk of required activities like grocery store visits in my place, which feels like it’d be utterly barbaric of me.

I want to give up and say screw it and treat getting sick as an inevitability so I can stop worrying about it, but I think I’m too afraid of what that could mean.

But if Pennsylvania is bad, Arizona is totally exploding. I’m worried about my mom. I’m worried about her anyway, given she’s by herself now and isolating. There’s nothing I can do about that, and maybe that’s the worst part. Travelling isn’t safe. Driving isn’t practical. I have too many responsibilities otherwise, anyway. Or something like that.

I hope I come back to this entry early next year or something and read it and appreciate how much things have improved and started to maintain some semblance of normalcy again — maybe a vaccine will actually be close — but I’m increasingly worried about how long this will keep dragging on thanks to incompetence and others’ selfishness.

So life goes, I guess.

Life, and life

Life goes. There’s not much to update, but there’s been an update to life. That’s how goes life.

I’ve been feeling really… weird for the past couple of months. In theory not much about my situation has changed: I still work from home as always, the job is pretty normal, and I still have the same access to all of my leisure activities at home (on the computer or Playstation or whatever).

But I feel increasingly stressed out and anxious about things, and it’s been especially bad over the past couple of weeks. I find it hard to do anything over the weekends anymore that aren’t rote “do the dishes” or mindless “watch youtube for hours”, and work on weekdays is now filled with periods of time where I just can’t work. A grocery store trip now has be a mental wreck for the rest of the day.

I keep hearing that people have so much more time now that things are locked down and that definitely isn’t true for me, at least in terms of unallocated time. I cook more now since restaurants aren’t accessible. I didn’t have a commute to eliminate and save time on. Any free time I do have now is spent trying to destress enough to function and do the things I have to be doing. If you asked me what I spend my non-working time doing, I don’t know if I could tell you, but it definitely doesn’t feel like I have any time for myself, to do the things I really want to be doing, these days. We had a three day weekend last weekend and the third day was starting to feel somewhat relaxed, but even that ultimately wasn’t enough.

In any case, Western PA is starting to open back up over the next few weeks. Needless to say, I think it’s wildly irresponsible and extremely premature, and will definitely not be trying to return to any form of normalcy anytime soon. The only thing worse than my anxiety about the current situation is my anxiety about how much worse things are going to get as states open back up.

Goodbye, Dad

My dad passed away yesterday (Wednesday… just about 13 hours ago).

It was somewhat expected, just not now, and not so quickly. From the time he was admitted to the ER on Saturday, it took less than two days before the doctors said there was nothing more they could do, and then less than two days from that until the end.

I guess the biggest lessons there are that it can take drastically less time than you think and that, for all their talents, doctors are not great at predicting death. Even Tuesday night, when we were deciding on next steps, we were being told 1-3 weeks. Wednesday morning we were told maybe days. It ended up being hours.

I’m okay. We’re okay. I was here, and had a chance to say goodbye and spend some time with him while he still recognized us and was able to (attempt to) communicate. And the sudden precipitous decline is a blessing in that it means he didn’t suffer in the end, which I am incredibly thankful for.

Also thank you to everyone that has been so understanding and supportive through this. All of you are amazing.

Halloween

I almost missed posting this month. Oops.

It’s been a pretty uneventful month full of work and things.

Max and Austin both had birthdays earlier in the month. Max had his head shaved at his.

For Austin’s, we set a monthly record for an escape room (not so great given it was the start of the month) and we had teppanyaki.


There was also recently a Halloween Party at Brian’s!





And Pumpkin carving at John and Cucho’s!

And a Sharon in town to help hand out Halloween candy!

…okay, I guess it’s been a more eventful month than I thought.

Soon it will be November, and soon it will be election time, and both of these things are a little scary to me.

Stuffs

It’s weird that July is almost over. I should probably post an update or something.

Ryan and Jenny got married! It was a nice ceremony and reception.


More photos are at photos.

Greg also had a birthday! Festivities were unfortunately abbreviated because the kayaking place was closed due to weather, but it was a nice time anyway.




Life has otherwise been full of board gaming and work, so yay for uneventfulness?