Yeah so, first I just want to send out a HUGE apology for my entry and behavior yesterday. The lack of sleep, more than anything, was what caused me to be completely angsty and bipolar and such. Thank you to everyone who was there to listen and give advice. Thank you also to my parents, who care about me so much, and whom I really should talk to more often.

I’ve been in a really creative mood. Yesterday and today, I took some of my favorite pictures ever. They’re not anything special (composition-wise and such), but I just find them completely perfect. Wheee.

Um yeah. So I’m actually feeling good today. I had this huge introspective entry written and ready to post, describing how I felt so much more at peace with things and with myself… how I actually feel like I understand myself better now… why I do the things I do (namely, why I’m so negative going into things, because I really didn’t used to be), and such. And then I realized that, by writing it, I’ve accomplished what I had to. For that reason, I won’t post that entry.

I will say, however, that things just make sense now… everything just feels like it fits. I am comfortable with where I stand right now with respect to relationships and foo. I finally understand what people have always been telling me… how the best time for a relationship is when you least expect it, because then it’s meaningful and you’re not desperate. Before the important thing was always, “I like you, is there potential there?” But this time… that’s almost even trivial? What’s more important now is the existing friendship and just… that things work out, no matter what happens. I don’t even really know.
And I think that, for the moment at least, I can be content being single. That’s a good feeling… one I havn’t felt in a long time.
It’s nice.

So I spent all day today at Tim’s apartment playing games with Keith. It was lots of fun. The bus ride back was kinda interesting… the bus Keith and I planned to take only went to Wilkinsburg… so we got off on the busway and had an adventure figuring out what we had to take or do to get back to Oakland. Wheee.

A building on the way home from Tim’s apartment.

So there’s been a lot of random things on my mind lately.

Right now, I’m pissed off at US Airways. I did their online check-in (which, BTW, is way too complicated for being check-in) and went to print my boarding passes. Hm… something screwed up with their page and I can only print my boarding pass from Denver to Pittsburgh. Oh well, not big deal, let’s try that again.
…
Oh, so I can’t check-in again because “a member of your party has already checked-in; please check-in and recieve boarding passes at the airport.” Um, what? Okay, getting past the stupidity of that, then there must be a “reprint boarding pass option.”
…
Nope. Well, damn.
Why can’t all airlines be like Southwest?

Also been thinking a lot about college and how it changes people. I dunno… I remember when I was sitting here a little less than 2 years ago, excited as hell (but nervous as hell) to be heading off to college. I remember arriving there and feeling invinsible… like I could do anything. It was a brand new start for me (just like when I moved here from CO), and I felt confident… like I could leave behind who I was in high school and become who or what I always wanted to be.
And, of course, you can’t really do that. You can only change who you are gradually. It’s unreasonable to expect yourself to be able to suddenly become the opposite of what you were.
At the same time, it’s also unreasonable to expect nothing to change. It’s a different environment. You’re with different people. If you were well-known by everyone… well… you’re not anymore. If you were the loner who sat in the corner by himself, you won’t have much of an opportunity to do that at Orientation.
So I guess a big part of heading to college for me was finding the right balance of the two, and I have to say I think things worked out pretty well. I’m not nearly as bold or outgoing as I envisioned myself being. At the same time, I’m not the same shy-but-popular-in-a-geeky-way kid I was in high school. And I think I’m really happy with that. I mean, yes, there are still things about me I’d change, but I can work on those. I don’t expect things to suddenly change overnight the way I did before.
Meh.
Anyone else have similar experiences?

It’s also amazed me how much I’ve learned in the past 2 years. I mean, I got back and was able to talk to my dad about a lot of the work he’s doing (he’s an engineer at Intel; not sure what area). I actually know more than him now in some areas (CS areas though, obviously). Some of the stuff I’m learning was stuff he did in graduate work.
I wrote up a page of major programming projects (on my CMU page) yesterday, and a lot of the stuff is actually quite impressive. I mean, how many freshmen get to write a photomosaic program, solve the Kevin Bacon problem (ick), write various compression algorithms, and write a (primitive but functional) AI? What about design a processor from scratch using nothing but NAND gates? And who could forget the auto-cannibal maker?
Even stuff that I’ve done this year… malloc, the caching web proxy, buffer bomb, and the Sudoku-solver… when you think about it, those are non-trivial problems. The fact that they’re giving them to us as sophomores says something as to the quality of education here. I mean, hell, the fact that OS is a sophomore/junior level course says something.

A lot of people told me, as I was deciding on my undergrad university, that it’s grad school that really matters. Undergrad is insignificant and where you go isn’t important. You know what? I disagree completely. I think that, at least for me, undergrad is the most important. I mean, really, all grad schools are the same. You’re going to be researching stuff you’re interested in. Sure, having more resources at your disposal might be helpful, but really, is that going to make or break your thesis?
Undergrad, on the other hand, is where you learn all the skills necessary for your (eventual) career. For me especially, since I plan to go into the workforce immediately after I get my BS, it’s even more important. Plus coming from a good undergrad school undoubtedly has some effect on what grad schools you’re accepted to (if you’re into that kind of thing).
So yeah. All of you who said I should go to UofA because undergrad doesn’t matter–you were wrong :-P
Curious what other people think as to this as well.

Oh yes, I promised pictar.

Using up printing quota FTW!

You know it’s gonna be hot when this is what WeatherFox says to you:

I wasn’t even aware that “unseasonably hot” was a weather condition, or that it had a corresponding weather icon… meh. Funny thing is 104 is actually not that bad for this time of year… it’s been 110+ at times this week.

Meh, I actually misread that as “unreasonably hot” the first time. Christina corrected me, but meh. Wouldn’t that be so much better though?

Um yeah, have a doctor’s appointment today (stupid genetics :-P) to check my eyes, and then hopefully will do dinner and Gameworks with Katie.
Funny how the only friends I’ve really spent time with since I’ve been back are middle school friends. Oh well.

Wheee Arizona?

So my parents brought up an interesting point today…
Try as I might, I’ve been “kicked out” of the high school crowd. They go to movies together, they go to concerts, they celebrate their last day… and I’m not invited to any of it.
This shouldn’t surprise me. However, for some reason, it does.
I mean, I’ve been gone for two years. I do keep in touch with many of these people (and some of my closest friends are from the class of ’06), but there’s just something different.

Meh, so big deal. When I went to visit school, I heard a lot of people tell me that I’ve grown up… that I look and act more older… more mature. Actually, there’s a part of me that can see that too. But dammit, I don’t want that. I still want to fit in to the crowd that I spent 2 years of my life with (wow, was it that short?).

So why does it bother me? Social groups change all the time. I no longer belong to the high school group. Technically, I should have been out of it from when I graduated. But I resisted. The year after I graduated, I must have visited the school something like 8 or 9 times. I would have loved to sit in on classes. I wanted to spend as much time there as possible. I went to the annual year-end party. I was still able to walk into any classroom and be recognised by most if not all the students there. And you know what? That was important to me… and for some reason, it still is.

So I guess I just feel really left out. I’ve visited three times this past school year. This past one, in particular, was especially unenjoyable. I don’t know everyone anymore… There are now 2 years of students that I never met, never knew, but it feels like much more. Even the school itself… its spirit is gone… the sense of community is gone. There is no longer “The Academy,” there are just “The McClintock students who happen to congregate together sometimes.” It’s become another clique in a school that sure as hell doesn’t need more cliques.

There are inside jokes I don’t get, faces I don’t know and don’t get introduced to… I’m truly an outsider now.
And it really shouldn’t bother me, but it does.
Am I really so childish that I want to cling desperately to the last threads of my youth? Am I really so selfish that I’m unwilling to give that up? Am I really so immature that I’d do whatever it took to be accepted again? To feel like a part of it again?
And the weird thing is, I don’t regret graduating early and leaving everyone. But somehow, I feel like I should still be able to be a part of the group after I’m gone. Pretty stupid of me.

So as I grow closer to my college friends, I drift apart from high school ones. I’ve been home 5 days. I have seen exactly one person in a context other than a school visit. I have spent (what I would consider) quality time with only that one person. She wasn’t even from my high school; she was a friend I’ve had since before 4th grade.
I am only home for another ~2 weeks.
I don’t want to lose my high school friends. Many of them helped me through some of the worst times in my life last year, and continue to be there for me this year when needed. But I feel like I am. I feel unwanted, alienated.

This entry, like most of my rants, has no real point, so I will conclude it with something entirely unrelated-lyrics from That’s Where It Is (Carrie Underwood).

In the circles I’ve been running, I’ve covered many miles. I could search forever for what’s right before my eyes.
Just when I thought I’d found it, it was nothing like I’d planned. When I wrapped my heart around it, it slipped right through my hands.
Here with you I feel it. Close my eyes and see it.
In a midnight talk, in a morning kiss, when I’m in your arms that’s where it is.
When we’re tangled up and can’t resist, when we feel that rush that’s where it is.
That’s where it is.